Guild Wars 2: Better Than Sex

When Guild Wars 2 was coming out, I was a little bit unimpressed. Sure it completely sold out IN A WEEK. Side track note -- how is that even possible for an MMO? Well the un-impressionism didn't last for long. Let me tell you why-- its better than sex. And here are a few reasons why.

I can make my character wear whatever I want without getting yelled at

How many times have you've tried to convince your significant other to wear something sexy but was met with disapproval? In Guild Wars 2, you don't have to 

It Doesn't Judge Me

Remember that time when your girlfriend/boyfriend found out about that one time when you took the vacuum cleaner, trampoline, toaster, and made some sort of crazy sex machine? Oh... Us neither. But hypothetically when they did, remember how they freaked out and made a big deal like it hasn't been done before?

Well Guild Wars 2 doesn't judge at all. I flipping fell off thirty or so stories, taking 150k damage (yes you heard me, 150k damage) FROM WALKING OFF A LEDGE. Sure, a few random strangers laughed, but I sure did not get any scorn. 

Really Bad Clichés Are Good

Think about getting roses for your girlfriend. It's overplayed but you'll never live it down and get sexy time if you, say, get her a giant tomahawk instead. In Guild Wars 2, Cliches are good.

When it comes to original lines, Guild Wars 2 wins. No, not really. As I play through the noble storyline, I constantly hear chants of “I’m rich you know” – as if I was oblivious to the fact that living in a three story flat in Divinity's Reach is a sign of poverty.

Mass Orgies of Like-Minded People doing Like-Minded things.

Ironically, you don’t need a guild to play Guild Wars 2. Funny, since you would think that the whole marketing concept would be built around joining a guild. The group missions are made so anyone can join, resulting in a giant debauchery of Norn, Charr, and humans in one concentrated area, killing Kol on repeat and assisting Dolyaks.

I've never felt so part of a group at any point in my life.

No Attachments

When you are done with Guild Wars 2, you can leave scot-free. No attachments at all. No wedding rings, kids, therapy... The list can go on.

Psych -- you just wasted 100 hours of your life and you still aren't level 80. Better luck next time.

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Honey Boo Boo has Nothing On Skyrim

What do rednecks have in common with Skyrim? Aside from the fact that both have farms, you can find almost every sort of batshit crazy in your face scenario in both.




So after losing around 150 hours of my precious life to this game, I decided to make a blog post explaining why Skyrim is for the insane -- for the sexual-deviants, the kleptos, the deranged twilight fans, and yes, theres a place in Skyrim for you too. 

HOARDERS

Do you ever have that feeling of wanting to keep everything you've ever owned? Well now you can! Almost everything in Skyrim can be picked up which means you can hoard as much shit as humanly possible. Now some people get creative with this and really go out of their way to show off their hoarding skills. Others, not so much but thats not the point. The point isn't what you have... ITS HOW MUCH YOU HAVE RIGHT? And the great thing about Skyrim is the variety of items you can hoard (namely, everything). You want a Glenmoril witch head? You got it! A hundred ruined books? Yes, please! Theres so much to hoard and so little time!

ROMANTICS & SWINGERS

For those people who are a little frisky in bed, know that you aren't alone for Haelga in Riften shares the same feelings. Though I'm not sure you can participate in Haelga's ... "fun time", you can get married! I know I know its not the same, but hey its way closer than any ass you're getting ATM right? And your NPC wife will most likely cheat on your sorry ass if you neglect her so in a way, its like settling down and getting into that relationship you always wanted but will never have.

PSYCHOPATHS & SERIAL KILLERS

This one is a given. You kill a bunch of forsworn, bandits, falmers, etc in the game and you don't really give a shit. But for someone to really kill an entire town in Skyrim.. It's quite devastating. You form bonds with these people, deliver their parcels from Riften to Markarth, play tag with the children. I'm convinced that you really do have to be some sort of psychopath or at least extremely intoxicated to wipe out every NPC (as they don't revive without cheats) and save.  But hey, whatever gets you off! I won't tell.

KLEPTOMANIACS

Who needs to clip coupons when you can FUCKING STEAL?!? If you're the type of person who loves stealing everything in the real world -- Swiffer Wet Jets, toothbrushes, Haribo gummy bears, enemas, anything, and everything then Skyrim is for you. If the thought of a bag full of stolen Nord mead, troll fat, and wooden buckets are tantalizing for you, then you need to start playing ASAP. If you level up enough you can even pickpocket the clothes off their backs like this fellow. 

FAILED INTERIOR DESIGNERS

With Skyrim, everything is an art. For those withdrawn wannabe art collectors, here is a safe haven for you to go wild with artistic expression in the comfort of your own home. Feel like creating pure havoc in your house with broken pieces of wood, ruined books, and other pieces of precious art that others so hastily call junk but never could? Now you can!

YOU

So for those people who are in self denial to any of these traits or who honestly do not see themselves transforming into a werewolf, decorating their house with assorted meats, killing the entire population of Whiterun, reading every book or collecting every item, there's always the possibility of playing the game as the "normal" human being and killing dragons, ending the civil war, or even just becoming a lone hunter-gatherer and saying fuck you to the whole story line. 

P.S. All photos aside from the first one are not mine and are property of their respected owners :)

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